11172017Headline:

Braving the Grocery Store Before Christmas

If you're smarter than me and staying inside before Christmas, please enjoy this awkward, yet royalty-free image of Santa.

If you’re smarter than me and staying inside before Christmas, please enjoy this awkward, yet royalty-free image of Santa.

Is everything around the Split level mass chaos? Yes. Thank you for asking.

With one present left to buy, the van breaking down, and not a shower to be seen for me in the last couple days, things are, um, going. Not to worry, I found a few minutes to pen some tips for grocery store survival in the next couple days.

Not that any of you would head out to the store this late. I know I didn’t, wouldn’t, *coughs guiltily*, did and barely made it out alive.

Top Ten Tips For Navigating the Grocery Store Before Christmas

1. Don’t buy milk. Consider investing in a cow after the holidays so you never have to think about going to the store for milk during the holidays ever again.

2. If there’s one bag of marshmallows left, let the lady in the power scooter have it. Otherwise, there’s a very real chance she’ll whack you with her cane and use the tiny wire basket to haul your body to the front so she can use your coupons.

3. Love Peppermint Divinity? So does the overly-aggressive mom blogger in stained yoga pants. Bob and weave, my friend.

4. Pumpernickel can be used for a delicious bread bowl for dill dip, or as a shield against bag boys who’ve lost their faith in humanity, and are now careening down the aisles, drinking stolen Snapples and swinging tubes of tin foil.

5. When all else fails, climb the nearest pile of creamed corn and find due north.

6. Overturned shopping carts make spacious cages for escaped lobsters.

7. If you need to trade your brightest child for the last bag of Reeses Trees, so be it.

8. If the lines at the checkout are too long, start screaming, “Explosive diarrhea,” and push your way to the front.

9. Pepperidge Farm sausage as a delicious appetizer or a defensive weapon? You be the judge.

10. Stay inside where it’s safe. There’s no reason your family can’t survive on grilled cheese for a week.

…unless, of course, someone in the family is lactose intolerant and gets explosive diarrhea. In that case, they’ve just drawn the short straw and have to go to the store.

Merry Christmas, Readers!

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.


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